I don't know how to describe it more than that I am in a depression. It started seriously in 2011, during the fall. My grades went down, I had no energy but still too much energy, nothing seemed like it mattered. I lost a lot of family members during a short period of time that made my family sort of crack up a bit. We didn't talk about it. We just kept quiet and let it be. I then started working out (a lot). It was all my life circled around. I didn't hang out with friends or anything like that. I kind of lived in my own little bubble. I quickly got sick and was in bed for several weeks. I got pneumonia, ear infections, tonsillitis. My body sort of started to shut down. As soon as I was up and about the summer came around. I graduated, had a ton of money and did nothing but skate, hang out with friends, drank and smoked. The perfect life some may seem but I only postponed the inevitable, dealing with everything.
I was bullied quite a lot when I was younger and have always had a really hard time getting friends. But about a year ago I started to become more open and social. But in the back of my head I always thought that they didn't really like me, I'm wasn't good enough and that sort of things. I still do.
I have always had really low self-esteem. Which I think now with the cards on table played a big role in all of this. I never think I am preforming well enough, look good, acts well. all and all, not good enough person. I live in constant regret for what I have done and said. The worst possible thing for me is having people dislike me, especially people I care about.
All tough some of my family members haven't done it intentionally they have built up on my insecurity. Making me feel not good enough. I spent a lot of time running away from that by not going home, so I wouldn't have to deal with their, what seemed to me, disappointing looks. But not just at home, but at work, in school, from friends, and the things I work with otherwise (skatepark etc.), they all seemed to be let down by me. So I did everything I could to spend as little time home as possible.
After a summer and fall of constant being around people, friends, I developed a fear of being alone. I start shaking, crying. Panic attacks is the easiest way to describe it I think.
So when a person comes around that gives you the kind of attention you really need at the moment. It kind of saved me a little bit. I started hanging out with a group of friends that I really had fun with. That didn't seem to have a care in the world.
And then meeting a person that when you're away from, you kind of miss. You think about a lot. That person that when you're around him or her, you're just plain and simply happy. One that takes life lightly with the attitude that we'll solve that, and made you feel like that was the case. You get the perception that that person kind of sort of actually likes you back, but still not. Always the insecurity. But then it gets slammed in your face that no, that's definitely not the case. Not from that particular person per se, but some that you both are close with. I still don't know if that was true or not. but I should have known better than to listen to what the others said. Cause you should always turn to the person it's about. If that person then choose to lie, it will come out sooner or later. but you should always, ALWAYS listen to the person it's mostly about first.
Now I have a lot to be thankful for, I know that. But now knowing, not just thinking, but knowing that there are two people out there that I really care about, who I used to were able to call friends, that ignores me. dislikes me. hates me. I'm really having a hard time dealing with that. I haven't really got grasp on what I have done yet but whatever it is am I sorry and regretful. I would never want to upset you or hurt you intentionally. I miss you both. I' m really trying to fill the gap by just spending time with some of my other friends but one friend does not replace the other.
As I wrote in the earlier post, I had a bit of a meltdown this last monday (or sunday night actually). I hadn't eaten in days. Slept just 2-3 hours a night for several nights in a row and were constantly up and running to try to have my mind on other things. But that sunday I just puked all day and stayed in bed, crying and shacking. I was scared. I was alone with thoughts and everything just felt wrong. Everything that had to do with me. So for me the easiest choice felt like taking me away from the equation so to speak. Luckily Johanna texted me just when things were at it worst and forced me to tell her what was wrong and get someone to keep me company. She practically saved my life. I know that it wasn't fair for her to go through that but I'm still glad that I did it. I don't know what would had happened otherwise. I decided on monday to go away and really start dealing with everything.
This shit I am going through I'll just have to accept and overcome. I need to figure out who I am so I from now on can be proud for what I say and do, instead of constantly living in regret.
I know I have made a lot of mistakes. But I have learned from them I will not make them again. We all make mistakes, but the ones who are willing to stand for it, apologize and not re-do them, aren't those the ones we should keep around?
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