hahah

so much fun looking back at everything I did, everyone I hanged out with and how sad of a person I was.

Today I'm married, have a 1 year old son and works at a really cool clothing store. We are also looking for a house to either renovate or build from scratch. I'm working out approximately 6 days a week. I eat healthy. I'm so much more positive (most of the time, but having a one year old is hard if you didn't already know haha).

So it was really nice to find this to look back at and see how far I've come. And by that I don't mean that being married and having kids make you better than everyone else, but I mean how much I've changed myself to be happy!

xx

some of this please.

Can't wait until I get my body back (or even better perhaps?) so I can buy some new clothes. I have changed my style quite much in the last couple of months and I really want a closet with clothes that I actually like. All my big skate t-shirts is now Sebbes property (not all willingly though). Still want some of my skate style but not as baggy and a little bit more dressed. And also mix it up with a little bit more of a feminine touch.



xx

My everything.

5 days as a mom. 5 days ago I went through the toughest day of my life so far. After 3 nights of no sleep and barely no food or water due to the medication that were supposed to make me sleep I've had enough. I called the hospital and said I needed help because I had no energy left for what was a head, after 5 days of contractions that did no good. I was craving sleep. The nurse said I should come up for yet another morphine shot that should help me get some sleep.. Well it didn't work the first 3 times (only made me feel sick and puke) but hey, why not try a 4th?!

Well up there they connect me to the CTG- machine to check my contractions and the babys heartbeats. Since we already been through this 3 times I told Sebbe to go home and get some sleep. 5 minutes later the heartbeats drops A LOT and two nurses comes running in. They told me to lay down on the other side, on my back and then back again on the first side. After about a minute the heartbeats finally goes up again to later drop the same way. And so it goes for about an hour. The nurse says to me that she won't be able to help me sleep with medication since the baby is not feeling well, and the best we can do is get this birth starting. In panic I try to get ahold of Sebastian but his phone is turned off... After about 20 minutes I finally get ahold of him and get transferred to a delivery room. 

Well in there the nurse says I can get an epidural to take away some of the pain so maybe I'll get some sleep before it all starts. I went in with the idea of using little to none pain relievers but since I felt like this wasn't going to work out in any other way I said yes to the epidural. The idea was to get the epidural shot, sleep for a few hours and then break the amniotic membrane. But since the babys, my babys, heartbeats went up and down so much she decided to start it off right away. She breaks my amniotic membrane and then all we can do is wait. The heartbeats are now starting to get a little bit more stable and I'm starting to feel a little bit more relaxed. About an hour later, around 3 am, the doctor comes in and gives me an epidural shot and I can finally get some much needed sleep. I slept for about 2 hours on and off, with Sebastian in a chair next to me, holding my hand. At around 8 am things are starting to take off but not fast enough. At around 10 am I'm given an IV to increase my contractions and I quite qickly start dilating. Everything that happens during this time is quite a big blur to me. At 2 pm I'm finally fully dilated but his head is still to high up. For 5 hours I try to push him out, but without no luck. I haven't eaten, barely slept. I couldn't take it anymore. They increase the dose on the IV to try and help with the contractions but without any luck. The contractions were so bad that I couldn't even think straight. The nurse comes in a say to me to try and not push, he won't get through and that he is stuck in the wrong way (his right ear facing down). Easy you think? Not so much. The IV is taken off but still has a big effect. Another nurse comes in and they talk about an emergency c-section. All I wan't to do is sleep, please just let me sleep. A few minutes later the bed gets pushed out of the room and down several corridors. The contractions now comes with only 10 second breaks. And all I remember is crying for sleep and wanting him to be okay. One of the nurses says that his heartbeats have been looking really good for the last hours and I can feel a little bit less worried. 

I get rolled in to a room filled people all wearing green coats. Nurses and several types of different doctors, I don't remember them all. I get filled with pain relievers and I finally stop shaking. I'm just lying there, feeling everything how they pull, poke and strech everywhere inside of me. But at the same time I feel absolutely nothing. No pain what so ever. Just worry. I stare at Sebastian. Into his beautiful blue but worried eyes and try to keep calm. Behind him I see something white/ blue and all flimsy being carried in someones arms. I hear no scream. I'm listening so hard but there is no sound. "IS THAT HIM?!" I ask everyone, anyone but with no answer. Sebbe looks into my eyes "Don't focus on that, focus on you". I can hear the panic in his voice, see it in his face. I watch the doctors listening to this little blue/white things chest. My sons chest. I see them lift his lifeless body up and run out of the room. One of the nurses ask Sebbe to come along and he runs away too. And there I am. I've never felt so alone in my whole life. The room was still filled with people but I was alone. After a few seconds of panic I ask the nurse who was stroking my head "Is he alive? Is he breathing?". After a few seconds of silence she looks into my eyes and says " I don't know". I wanted to scream. I wanted to get up and run to him. To see him. Hold him. But I couldn't. My thoughts went all over the place but I just stared into the sealing. All this pain that I've gone through all day was NOTHING compared to this. It felt like hours went by but after 10 minutes the doctor walks in and comes up to me. He looks down at me. I try to look at him back, but I can't. I'm way too afraid.

"He was a bit in a bad condition there at the start. But he is doing really good now. He's with your husband and will be with you soon". 

My head explodes. He is okey. My son is okey. I still can't move. Everyone is starting to congratulate me but I still can not say anything. Then I see Sebbe, with big tears streaming down his face. Tears of joy. I see the little feet poking out from under the blanket, still in an nasty blue colour. But then I see his face, his eyes and I start to cry. They ask me to hold him but the pain relievers have gone out through my left arm so I can not move it properly. They lay him down on my chest and I can see him breathe. Hear him. Feel him move. It was the most amazing feeling ever.

As they were stitching me back together I started to feel really ill and like I had to throw up. I ask them to take him away. Sebbe picks him back up and I start throwing up big time. Sebbe and the nurse takes him away to get weighed in and measured. I try to get some sleep as they stitched me back up and when the pain relief still had effect.

I get rolled up to the "wake up" and get a run through about what just happened. All I could think of at that time was that I tried to remember what he looked like, but I really couldn't see his face. I only had the image of his lifeless body in my head... After about an hour I finally get to meet my son for real. As soon as I got a look at them blue eyes again I felt alive again. He is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us. All tests afterwards have been perfect and we have now been home for 3 days. He eats well, poops, pees and sleeps, just as a baby should. He has many long moments a day where he is wide awake, that I absolutely love. 

It was a traumatic day in many ways. But all and all the best day of my life. The birth of my son.

xx

Week 38 and I want it to be over.

18 til due date. A little more than two weeks. I want it to be over now!! Can't move properly, feeling sick about everything and all this weird pain is starting to be too much for me. But two more days you have to wait little one, because tomorrow mommy and daddy are going to gothenburg to see manchester united play against.... another team.. 

Photos from my birthday celebration. I have the best of friends. 

xx

moments of happiness.

xx

Today was a really good day.

xx

My gift!

This last christmas I got my beautiful engagement ring from my even more beautiful fianceé. But as I wrote in my last post (about 4 months ago haha) I hade a even better gift for him! 

And here he is, our gorgeous baby boy who expected to join us in the outside world on august 16th. We are so excited to meet you and become a little family!

And also, the other week we bought our dream apartment and we'll be moving in late this week or early next week 👌🏽❤️

xx

Best christmas gift I could get, and that I could give.

I am, since christmas eve, engaged to the love of my life. It was the best christmas gift I could ever get. To bad my gift for him was soooo much better ;)

progress.

Tomorrow we get our car. In about three weeks we are moving to our belonged house. Everything that I couldn't wait for ito happen, is now happening all at once. 

About teo years ago, I lived my life without no real purpose. I didn't care for the future, as I saw no bright one a head. First of all I got a job, a job that I love going to. That makes me grow stronger and helping me finding myself.

Due to this job I had to move away from Halmstad, from everything and everyone I knew. At first it was hard, but now... I only go back to visit my mom once and a while. For only a day or two. Only been there twice in the last six months.

I think I needed a break from all of that. My mind was stuck while I lived there. Trapped. Only when I got that fresh start, I realized I was far from myself. So far from the person I wanna see myself become.

A few months in I got real homesick. I felt lonely, down. That's when Sebastian got into the picture.. All of a sudden I had someone who texted me everyday. Someone to talk to on the long bussride home from work every night. Someone who cared. Someone who made me feel at home. 

I think that is what made me fall in loce so easily with him.. He made me feel safe, calm and at home. Right in the middle of my life biggest transitions so far. 

Shortly after Sebbe, I got my first real apartment. My own home. The same day I got the e-mail about the apartment, Sebbe got an e-mail back about an work application. 

The day after I moved in, Sebbe started working as a salesman at the company he now is External Office Manager at.

Since Sebastians new work place was only a ten minut walk away from my apartment it only came naturally that he stayed at my place. Ever day. After two months we decided we should only have my apartment, or as it is now: OUR apartment, to live in.

After me getting fulltime at my work and Sebbe moving up at his we are now really looking forward in taking the next steps in our life. Towards OUR bright future.

And I couldn't be more excited.

xxx

such a strange feeling.

spent last week in gothenburg for the annoual skatecompetition "Skate på Liseberg" or "Liseberg Classic". I tried to convince sebastian to tag along but since we spend so much time together he thought it would be nice for us to do something by ourselves. On thursday I drove down to halmstad to celebrate my friends graduation and also to visit my friends whom I hadn't seen in quite some time. On friday I picked up Emelie (my little nugget) and we roadtripped back up to gothenburg. On saturday we got joined by Anira, Kalle, Jim, Kingsley and Marcus. It felt so weird hanging out with those guys again. It's a big mix of "god I've fucking missed this shit!!" and "oh, I'm so glad I got away from all this". But all and all it was a nice little reunion.

It' kind of weird thinking about how much my life has changed in the last year. I've got a job that I actually enjoy. I live together with the most awesome boyfriend in a completely different city. Even if life still has it's up's and down's I think I've started to getting to know the real me. And a year ago I didn't even think that was possible.

So thank you all. Thanks for all the arguments, deep talks, discussions, light conversations, jokes and all between. Thanks to all who helped me find myself.

Love to you all ❤️